the return

08/30/2007
christina

i woke up today still in love with you.
i picture your face and and smile. another day.
but all at once i am met with the familiar signs of devastation.
first i taste cigarettes. that can't be right- i quit smoking months ago. i roll over and wince in pain. my hand. my god, my hand. two of the knuckles are brown and blue; the skin is broken. that's right. i punched the wall. and this headache... i've been crying. my stomach cramps and suddenly i taste vomit again. i see the empty beer cans, but know their contents were not enough to make me ill. then i remember- i threw up before drinking. right after i hung up the phone.
all of these realizations take place in less than a second.
your face is still in my mind. my smile fades.
it only happened yesterday. my body is not yet trained to wake up hating you.
the sun isn't even up yet. i look at my phone under the pretense of checking the time, but secretly i am hoping for a message or missed call. any sign that perhaps you're rethinking this.
6:56 AM.
i have only been asleep for two hours. naturally, i couldn't put my mind to rest last night. the memory of yesterday assures me i am awake for the day.
i sit up and try to face my new reality.
i stumble into the bathroom and flip on the light, where my reflection in the mirror catches my eye.
jesus. i would leave me too.
suddenly i remember why i tried to once before.
i know this person i see very well. this ghost, rather. i blink and when i open my eyes i see a familiar image- an image permanently burned into my mind that i desperately wish i could forget. the wounded ghost, bloody knife in hand.
suddenly the scars burn. i close my eyes and try to forget.
as vivid as if it were happening right now, i see us in my bed. one of the only times i ever felt safe there. there you are, staring deeply into my eyes. searching my very core. you take one hand. without ever breaking our gaze, you begin to kiss the scar.
i almost forget to breathe.
you move slowly along the scar. still looking straight into me, you take my other hand and continue. you close your eyes and shudder. i know you are imagining the pain- both the emotional pain that would bring someone to do that, as well as the physical pain the act itself caused. in doing so, you are trying to take some of my burden and make it your own.
it was in that moment that i fell in love with you.
i open my eyes and return to the horrifying present.
the scars continue to burn.
i am sick again.
staring into the toilet watching the life pour out of me, i try to convince myself that i'm not that ghost anymore, that i'm stronger than that. but for the first time in months, i have my doubts. not enough to act on, but their vague presence alone terrifies me.
that's how it always starts, isn't it?
knowing that even a fraction of that part of me lives on... it's just another battle i will have to fight in a war that i thought was over.
and this time, i'll have to fight it without you.
without you. it still sounds so foreign.
i sit back and think about this new concept. my entire future just changed. or disappeared? it's difficult to tell at this point.
it would make sense. after all, you were the one to give me back my future. i guess that entitles you to take it away as well.
no. no, that's not me anymore. i've changed. i'm better now.
i have to believe that.
i am ill yet again. this time, there's nothing left in my body to lose.
i hate dry-heaving.
i need a stiff drink.
i ransack the kitchen. there is nothing. coffee and a cigarette (or three) will have to do.
i step out to smoke. the sun is up now, and it looks to be a gorgeous day. this upsets me, so i change my reality.
keep staring into space. keep smoking. close my eyes and concentrate. open them.
there we go. now i see rain. lightning. i can almost hear thunder.
i can only delude myself for so long though. eventually i see the sunshine again.
i am disgusted. i walk back inside.
memories continue to surface. i swear i keep seeing you out of the corner of my eye. but every time i turn, you're not there.
i cannot handle this. i collapse to the floor and curl up. i don't know how long i stay there- it is somehow both a flash and an eternity.
i finally stand up, but leave my heart there on the ground. it hurts too much to keep it with me, because- all things considered- it still belongs to you.
and so i rise a shell of who i was.
the ghost has returned.