my only way

12/12/2005
tiffany/kelby

i sit in the park.
it is late and it is winter. all signs of life are quickly fading. the cars driving by grow ever fewer, the christmas lights on the nearby houses go off one by one. i shiver.
i sit in the park.
i smoke a cigarette. i watch as i slowly release my smoke to the sky, to the almost-full moon above. that is not the only thing i will give up to whatever or whoever is there tonight.
i sit in the park.
i see sprinklers come on across the field. this strikes me as absurd. it is damn near freezing in the middle of the night, the fog is rolling in, and the goddamn sprinklers are on. i swear this shit only happens in california. i bet they don't have sprinklers in december at 2 a.m. where they are. but i cannot change the sprinklers. i let them be.
i sit in the park.
i think of her. her with the blue eyes with hazel spots. her that i wish i could forget. her that sealed my fate. i wonder if somewhere in her beautiful dreams she knows that i'm thinking of her. i wish i could trade just one of her dreams for just one of my nightmares.
i wish i could see her again.
i sit in the park.
the sprinklers come closer. they torment me, as if their sole purpose in creation was to taunt me on this cold night. i comtemplate leaving. no, i will not run. i always run in my nightmares. i am tired of running. i cannot change the sprinklers. i let them be.
i sit in the park.
it is growing colder.
i think of him. him with the tender heart. him that i wish could forget me. it is colder where he is; snow covers the ground. i know because he told me so just today. just before he told me he loved me. just before i said the same. he can't wait for me to come back. i could never break his heart. i love him too much.
i sit in the park.
a plane flies overhead, a plane that could take me to him or to her. it would be my choice. but i could only choose one.
i smoke another cigarette. i wonder if it's possible to fall in love with more than one person. i cough. i don't know if it's the cigarette or the cold, but i don't care. i take my last drag. i have come too close to the filter and it burns my mouth. it burns and i let it burn because i deserve it. as i smother the dying spark of my cigarette i wish it were my life i was putting out. neither he nor she deserve the plague of my existence in their lives. no one i know deserves that. i wish with everything in me it were my life i was putting out.
i sit in the park.
i am now surrounded by fog and i can no longer feel my toes. i cannot feel a thing. i am not happy about the fog; i am not happy about anything anymore. but i am relieved at its arrival as i now know i cannot be seen. i don't want to be seen because i know i won't be understood.
nearly two hours have passed since i came to the park. there are no more lights. there are no more cars. just me, the moon, the fog, and the sprinklers.
i shiver.
i sit in the park.
i feel my heart slow. i know i am inadequately clothed and that if i sit here for another two hours that heart will stop. the thought is tempting.
but then the sprinklers again move closer and i feel my heart rate increase. i will not run. i will stay and i will face them. i want so badly to face them.
i want to explain to him and her about the other and make them understand that i can no longer choose both. a decision must be made. i don't think i can choose. i wish they could both forget me.
i fight tears. like most battles i fight, i lose.
i sit in the park.
i sit in the park thinking and wishing and shivering and crying at 4 a.m. when it finally happens. the sprinklers reach me. i will not run I WILL NOT RUN.
i run. i run and i hate myself for it. any rational person would run. but i know that i am not rational and i know that i am not sane and right here right now in this park on this night running is the wrong thing to do and i fucking hate myself for it. i fucking hate myself.
i am standing in the road.
out of the fog and totally exposed. i am breathing hard and i can see my breath. i want it to stop.
i hear a car wreck in the distance and i have empathy for the car.
suddenly the realization hits me like my own car wreck- i cannot trade dreams for my nightmares because my nightmares are my reality.
i hear the sirens of an ambulance going to save whoever was in that car. there are no sirens for me. no one is coming to save me. i've just discovered that my nightmares are my reality and no one is coming to save me.
i am beyond salvation.
i walk the quarter-mile to my house. i unlock the door and walk inside. no one is coming for me, so i lock the door.
i am beyond salvation.
i kick off my shoes and lie down. i don't bother with sheets. i cannot feel a thing. i try to think of a solution as i stare at the ceiling. the ceiling does not care. the ceiling is not going to save me.
i am beyond salvation.
i know what i have to do but i don't want to admit it. i want to run. but i love them both and i know i have to face the truth. there is no other way.
there is no solution.
i am beyond salvation.
i call her first. i don't know why. it is 7:30 where she is, but she is not awake. i tell her voicemail that i'm sorry, that i love her but that i have no choice. that she was the only reason i made it as long as i did. that she should forget me and find someone that can bring her years of happiness. i'm sorry. i love you. goodbye.
there is no solution.
i am beyond salvation.
i call him next. it is 6:30 where he is, but i know he worked late and i know he is asleep. i tell his voicemail that i love him but that i had no choice. that there were things about me he didn't know, that i couldn't bear to tell him. that he should find someone with more than a broken heart to offer. i'm sorry. i love you. goodbye.
there is no solution.
i am beyond salvation.
this is the only way.
the blade slices surprisingly easily into my vein. i watch the blood run down my forearm and into the trash can. i cannot feel a thing. as i begin to fade i believe something in my death more strongly than i have ever believed anything in my life:
this is my solution.
this is my salvation.
this is my only way.
i am happy, and then i am gone.