losing her

07/20/2006
sarah

what do you do when your only possible course of action will hurt someone you love?
i'm not one to use the word "love" lightly. in today's society it is thrown around so easily that to many, it loses its value. but love isn't something you see on tv or at the movies. it's not what you hear in a song. instead, love is the ultimate commitment to someone, be it platonic or romantic. i generally define love by the willingness to do anything, even to give one's life, for the person in question.
love is what we are supposed to evaluate our lives by.
what love really is, what she really is... she is freedom. the freedom to be who i am without being judged.

she has a habit of not getting attached to anyone, of being able to get over people in a heart beat. a somewhat ironic choice of measurement, since at first i believed she had no heart at all. but right from the beginning, we got something about each other that no one else understood. and so, we overcame our other [many] differences because that one bit of common ground was so rare to find.
she kept it casual at first. being from the south, i tend to look for stronger relationships. but i knew i couldn't push her. it was clear from the start that things would be on her terms.
i loved and hated that about her.

time passed. we had somewhat discussed moving in together. i was fed up with living with my parents (cheap though it may be). i'm in college, for christ's sake. my friends were off having the time of their lives, while i was still stuck in a home where i had to account for my whereabouts and was expected to go to church every sunday morning. she was coming from a particularly bad situation with extremely controlling parents. i assumed it was more a decision of necessity than anything else.
let it be known that i have a shitty job. not quite minimum wage, but not far above. juggling car payment, tuition, books, and gas, i'm usually broke. she has always had a better job and fewer expenses. so as we started to go out more, she began to pay fairly regularly. this annoyed me, but logically she was right. she could afford it; i couldn't.
she never expected me to pay her back.
suddenly, as is classic of me, i panicked. i've had some bad experiences with people in the past. as a result, usually somewhere in the beginning of any new relationship, i get scared and try to run away. this is how both of my last two romantic relationships ended. commitment issues? you might say. so all this talk of moving in together and her always footing the bill scared the shit out of me.
i told her what was going on, that everything in me said to run. but i told her that i was going to stay no matter what. and i did. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done, but i did.
the only problem now was that i still felt i needed her, while she just kept me around for entertainment. every day i feared a heartbreak.

a couple of weeks ago, i made the mistake of leaving my notebook unattended. i found her reading something i had just written about her. it highlighted my apprehension of needing, but only being wanted. one line was "and now you are my one absolute fear."
she called that completely unfair.
we talked things out. first, she asked if i was committed to moving out with her. i said, "yes, i want out of the house." she said, "no. i didn't ask if you were committed to just moving out. i asked if you were committed to moving out with me." i said yes, and with everything in me i believed i was. she then turned around and said she was sorry she couldn't express emotions very well, but that she did love me. she did. this completely shocked me. she doesn't even say that to her own mother.
i confessed my fears of her just "being over" me one day. she said the only way that would happen is if i were to completely betray her.

fast-forward to a few days ago. the army and my father just cut a deal. they're transferring him back to where we're from. my parents are finally going home. home to where my sister lives. home to where my cousin (my best friend for years) lives.
they asked if i was planning to go with them.
i said no. i made a promise to her. i didn't tell them that. i claimed i would miss california too much, that i wasn't ready to go home, that i wanted to go to school out here. but the reality of it was that i was too afraid to betray her. i had been trying so hard to teach her how to love, but i know she's not fully there yet. if i walk away, it will be the end.

the problem is, there is no way i can afford rent, car insurance, health insurance, groceries, AND tuition.
if i go back, i can get immediate residency as my parents' dependent and pay dirt cheap tuition (which loans should cover) at a state school. my parents could afford to help out with school costs there as well, since the cost of living is so much cheaper.
if i stay here, i'm giving up my education. i'm giving up the life i want to lead.
but i promised. and i love her.
this is the one betrayal we wouldn't recover from.
if i go back, i'll have extended family on every side waiting to pick me back up if i fall. and judging by my past, i will fall. the difference between family and friends is that the former is spurred on by obligation. so even if they don't feel like helping that day, they will.
if i stay here, i'm basically forsaking that family. i'm shouting "fuck you, i don't need you for anything" to the people that have always been there for me.
but i promised. and i love her.
she would be "over" me just like that, just like i've always feared.
if i go back, i can finally try to get my life back on track. having suffered illness after illness and personal tragedies along the way, i've somewhat taken a back seat in my own life. i'm in a stagnant period.
if i stay here, i'm postponing my entire life for another 1, 2, 3, or however many years we live together. and the longer i wait, the harder it will be to go back.
but i promised. and i love her.
i don't know what i'd do without her.
i'm getting sick and tired of all this bohemian talk of love conquering all. sometimes it just doesn't, no matter how much you wish it could.
so i am left with basically no choice but to move back. backing out from the commitment i made, from the only promise she's ever believed in. even the thought breaks me.
i thought it was scary when she didn't need me. now i find myself petrified that she does.

this brings me to now, as i look at my list of pro's and con's for moving back. there are so many benefits. it seems to be the logical choice. but i forget all of them when i see the single entry under con's:
"losing her."