night standing still

06/25/2008

suddenly i feel as if i have been in this hotel forever.

i am working a night shift that will never end.

the only thing i hear is the constant murmur of the lobby fountain. it echoes through the open expanse and resonates within my being.

whenever i went other places, i always wondered how businesses looked to employees rather than customers. what did the clerk see when they rang me up, or when they walked through through the door to the "employees only" area? what company secrets were they privy to? i always felt a sort of curious jealousy.

now the tables have turned. oh, what i would give to be on the other side of this desk! to be a traveler in a strange town- perhaps for a job, or passing through on my way to somewhere significant, or maybe even visiting family. how wonderful that would be.

how wonderful that would be, to have a life in motion.

i know only stagnance.

years of night behind this desk have passed without event.

the memories of days gone by are as dreams: distant and intangible. in fact, i begin to doubt that anyone else exists at all. all but mr. spruce, that is. he is the wal-mart truck driver that stays here weekly without fail. he seems as lonely as i am. he says i remind him of his daughter, whom i know he sees rarely (though he has never said so). maybe there was some relationship that fell to pieces, or perhaps he is just always on the road. whatever the case, there is a distance in his cold grey eyes whenever we speak, indicating he sees someone else where i stand.

i am his only connection to home.

he is my only connection to reality.

i thirst for our conversations much as one wandering the desert longs for water.

everyone else i have ever known now seems to have only existed in my subconscious.
or perhaps they do live, somewhere in a dimension wholly inaccessible to me. who knows? maybe you are floating around out there somewhere, unaware of my entity altogether. ignorant of our compatibility, of the love we could share, of all the intricate ways we could fall apart. or possibly i reside in your dreams as you do in mine, but my actuality is lost to you.

i think i once remembered how you smell.

now i have trouble picturing your eyes.

i can't stand here any longer. i take a walk around the lobby. there are precisely four things in motion: myself, the water in the fountain, a ceiling fan in the cafe, and a humongous spider scurrying across the floor near the opposite wall. it is a large area; my ability to see the spider in itself signifies its size. a grass spider, i'm sure. those grow as large as their enviroment allows, and this hotel is located in a field on the edge of a rural oklahoma town. though harmless, they can reach unsettling proportions.

it disappears under a crack in the floor board. once again, i am the only living thing around. i continue my tour.

the pool appears to be made of glass. i can't imagine the water being stirred, so i bend down and stick my finger in. the ripples are startling, as though i really expected a solid surface. all at once i feel as if i have disturbed some necessary peace.

the entire incident is depressing as hell.

i escape outside to find absolute stillness.

the air is suffocating, from the absence of sound and motion to the atmosphere itself. goddamn the humidity.

i flee back inside, back to the maddening serenity of the fountain. it is my only indication of the passage of time.

my thoughts drift back to you.

i spend less time dwelling on memories than i used to. the imagined future feels just as real now, and the ending is always better.

"hey honey, how was your day?"

"oh, you know. better now that i'm home."

you always say that, right after you kiss me on the cheek.

from here it always goes differently. we may order chinese food, or go out for dinner and a movie, or even a walk in the park. or maybe just a quiet night at home. however the evening goes, it always ends the same. we fall asleep in each other's arms, peacefully.

of course, it is only an imagined future. i am certain our paths will never cross again. the single point in time and space where your life was tangent to mine was a phenomenon never meant to repeat itself.

at least, i think it happened once.

then again, maybe i've been in this hotel forever.

you are steadily fading, no matter how desperately i cling to the vision. exactly as a dream would.

what am i to think about when you are gone?

the night continues, but i doubt its acceleration through time.

i don't think the sun will ever rise.

your first lesson

5/20/2008
kat

i tell you i am too broken.
you say you want to heal me.
i tell you i am too far gone.
you say you can bring me back.
i tell you i am leaving anyway.
you say you will follow.

i tell you a little about my past.
you interpret it as a connection.
i tell you we can take it at your pace.
you interpret it as consideration.
i tell you your eyes are gorgeous.
you interpret it as love.

pay attention. you are missing important details.

you hold my hand and smile.
i stare out the window, my mind half a world away.
you ask if i missed you when i was away.
i say yes, without a shred of sincerity in my voice.
you put your arm around me in the night.
i pull away, shedding tears because you are not who i want you to be.

stop pretending. you are missing the reality.

i take the breath of others to live another day.
you willingly sacrifice your own in hopes of saving a life.
i spin tales of grandeur to avoid spending the night alone.
you eagerly embrace every word you hear as truth.
i anxiously lie awake in bed fighting my demons.
you sleep in false security next to me unaware of your own.

wake up. you are missing what i am.
what you are becoming.

i am a liar.
i am a thief.
i am dead.

you are feigning.
you are hardening.
you are dying.

the living cannot thrive among the numb.
guard your heart more carefully or be left barren.
return to your own kind or evolve into mine.

i disappear with purpose into the night.
you chase after me to no avail.
i ignore your phone calls.
you persist beyond reason.
i find another insignificant to use.
you scream relentlessly at the dark sky.

consider this your first lesson in human nature.

abuse or be abused.
leave or be left.
kill or be killed.

love at great personal risk.
never underestimate the evil within.
trust only those who have proven their worth.

fight to maintain innocence while shedding naivety.
it is an impossible battle, but surrender signals a heart turned cold.

you may find it hard to believe after what i put you through,
but i do wish you the best.
that is perhaps the only true thing i have ever said to you.

too much in between

5/14/2008
christina

i think it's only fair to tell you that i'm happy now.
i know this is just what you've always wanted for me, but you may not be proud to have played the role you did.
i do miss you, or at least who you were. i still think of you more often than i care to admit. more so lately... probably because at this time a year ago we were just starting off. but memories are not what i care to discuss at present.
the thing is- and i hope you understand this clearly- i don't actually want you back in any capacity. if i could take things back the way they were, i might be tempted, but. too much has filled the space between then and now. too many words, too many headaches, too many lies, too many cigarettes, too many drinks, too many drugs, too many girls, too many songs, too many contemplative cups of coffee, too many sunrises, too many drawings, too many car wrecks, too many shitty jobs, too many thunderstorms, too many walks around the lake... too many things exchanged between the universe and myself. walking back to you after all these changes would make a fool of me on a national stage. and let's just say i already made a salient ass of myself in your name once before, and you quite thoroughly proved yourself unworthy of the risk.
reputation aside, i've a sneaking suspicion that you would not particularly care for what i have become. indeed, you would be revolted by me even though you had a heavy hand in my creation. you knew me as a good girl, if one that had slightly lost her way... as someone with principles. and as someone you could take care of. but my heart, my dependency, and my sense of persoanl responsibility have fled, leaving behind a calloused asshole burning through cigarettes, jack & cokes, and women followed by a swath of heartbreak a mile wide. i've grown old since we last met; i chew up and spit out girls like you before lunch.
this may not sound like the description of a happy person to you, but rest assured i have never felt better. feel free to call me selfish. i will embrace it. you yourself helped to teach me that selflessness accomplishes nothing.
i've heard that you have changed too. oh yes, dear, don't ever underestimate mankind's nature to make one's personal business public. i know what (and who) you've been doing. i have it from good sources that you've grown arrogant, although i am not one to put much stock in the opinion of others. combined with the trust broken between us, i very much doubt that i would enjoy your company in any setting.
so what is the point in saying all this?
it seems for some reason you have decided that we are going to be chums. i don't return the sentiments. it has been easy to ignore you from a distance, but soon we'll be coworkers once again. i was just hoping to cut the crap and omit personal questions from here on- you won't be pleased with my answers, and i won't care about yours.
we had no friendship before we started dating. there is no reason we should have one now.
it's not that i feel anger toward you- i just don't feel anything at all. sure, i care about you as a subordinate, as a friend of a friend, and as a fellow human being... i have no ill will toward you and wish you the best in life. i am just letting you know up front that i don't intend to be part of it, and that my empathy stops there.
let's just maintain the strictly professional relationship we should have had from the start, shall we?
it's for your own good, really.
i can promise if anyone gets hurt, it won't be me.