your first lesson

5/20/2008
kat

i tell you i am too broken.
you say you want to heal me.
i tell you i am too far gone.
you say you can bring me back.
i tell you i am leaving anyway.
you say you will follow.

i tell you a little about my past.
you interpret it as a connection.
i tell you we can take it at your pace.
you interpret it as consideration.
i tell you your eyes are gorgeous.
you interpret it as love.

pay attention. you are missing important details.

you hold my hand and smile.
i stare out the window, my mind half a world away.
you ask if i missed you when i was away.
i say yes, without a shred of sincerity in my voice.
you put your arm around me in the night.
i pull away, shedding tears because you are not who i want you to be.

stop pretending. you are missing the reality.

i take the breath of others to live another day.
you willingly sacrifice your own in hopes of saving a life.
i spin tales of grandeur to avoid spending the night alone.
you eagerly embrace every word you hear as truth.
i anxiously lie awake in bed fighting my demons.
you sleep in false security next to me unaware of your own.

wake up. you are missing what i am.
what you are becoming.

i am a liar.
i am a thief.
i am dead.

you are feigning.
you are hardening.
you are dying.

the living cannot thrive among the numb.
guard your heart more carefully or be left barren.
return to your own kind or evolve into mine.

i disappear with purpose into the night.
you chase after me to no avail.
i ignore your phone calls.
you persist beyond reason.
i find another insignificant to use.
you scream relentlessly at the dark sky.

consider this your first lesson in human nature.

abuse or be abused.
leave or be left.
kill or be killed.

love at great personal risk.
never underestimate the evil within.
trust only those who have proven their worth.

fight to maintain innocence while shedding naivety.
it is an impossible battle, but surrender signals a heart turned cold.

you may find it hard to believe after what i put you through,
but i do wish you the best.
that is perhaps the only true thing i have ever said to you.